April marks a year of blogging. A year of directed, focused reflection and self-analysis.
The pieces are falling into place. I have a much better sense of who I am, what I have to offer others, my strengths, my abilities, my temperament and all the ways I have reason to be proud of how I’ve grown up, the person I’ve become.
I’ve learned so much this past year. Lessons I never expected. Healing I only hoped for.
It began, really, as a way of walking myself through my past to gain a proper perspective. To view big and small moments in the right context. Like holding a prism up to the light and marveling at all the colors that are produced. Ok, that’s not exactly the same thing, but it’s a cool image and I’m running with it.
I’m more self-confident in general. Does that mean in all situations? No. But in general, I’m more self-confident and self-assured.
I’m opening up more and sharing more boldly. First in writing and more so in real life, with face-to-face encounters. The writing has helped me shape my words so that they flow off the tongue more easily. Receiving feedback on the writing has added assurance that people do care about my opinions and what I have to say. Not that everything I say is dynamite, but a lot more than I previously allowed myself to believe.
I’m talking back to the internal doubts and standing up for myself more. Fighting through the negativity and insecurities.
I’m advocating for myself more. Not in a domineering way, but in a manner that fits who I am. It is possible to be assertive without bossing people around or making demands.
I’m recognizing more occasions as they are unfolding that I’m being brave and taking risks. In these moments I’m doing better with giving myself credit for the risks rather than brushing it off or downplaying the effort.
For most of my life I focused on what I couldn’t do, what was uncomfortable, what I lacked, what I felt I should be able to do but wasn’t able to carry out. I kept seeking what I couldn’t do or what required giant leaps out of my comfort zone, rather than looking for ways to gently stretch those boundaries. And feeling defeated when I couldn’t make those leaps. I realize now the focus should be to acknowledge my actual gifts and talents. Focus on the things I can do, the blessings I do have, the skills I actually possess and continue to find ways to put them to use.
I’m recognizing more and more how universal so many of these fears and insecurities are! It’s blowing my mind, actually. They are so universal, even if they present themselves in different ways or circumstances. So, I’m feeling less like I’m marooned on an island.
Some of the biggest revelations have come out of my reflections of past relationships. Rather than throwing them into a “good” or “bad” pile, I’ve looked closer at my effort and responsibility. It’s made quite an impact and brought a lot of healing. And it’s opened my eyes to see myself more clearly.
With all that being said, I’m going to be pulling away from regular blog posts. That’s already been happening, but now it’s acknowledged. I’m going to continue writing, reflecting and working through these things, but it just won’t be happening here as often. Other responsibilities have cropped up, and I need to shift my focus.
But it has been so rewarding to share here. Thanks for following along and offering support. It really means a lot.