Depression of high school

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Along with being unable to accept compliments, there was also this long held concept of being less than and inferior to others, which began early on for me. I struggled in so many ways to match the speed, ease and ability of my classmates that I saw it as a flaw in my very character rather than strictly my ability. It defined me to the core, this idea of not measuring up. That even if I managed to improve, it seemed to matter very little because someone else was still better. My focus was all about how I compared to others instead of establishing my own track of development.

You’re supposed to pay attention to your interests and abilities to recognize talents as those might influence future areas of study to pursue and a potential career path. How do you successfully accomplish this with a negative view of yourself? Yes to a degree I saw that writing and creative writing were more strong suits. But it wasn’t enough to completely draw confidence from it or to see it as an actual talent. I still felt misunderstood for preferring to write in a notebook rather than trying to talk with others.

I twisted most of the compliments I received, convinced that people were just trying to be polite or telling white lie because they felt sorry for me. And with this internal, self-defeating attitude, you can tear yourself down pretty far. I didn’t need extra help in this area. So the emotional and sometimes verbal bullying/antagonizing that I received in previous years just reinforced this feeling of being inferior and incompetent, unworthy.

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Walking backward (not a tribute to Michael Jackson)

So, I mentioned before how I had trouble with toilet training. Sticker rewards and praise didn’t help with the learning process on this one. Or even like episodes of Full House  where Michelle was bribed with cookies to really focus on learning this self-regulation behavior. That happened, right?

I don’t remember specific experiences of trying to reach the bathroom. Thankfully. But trying to get my brain to give me appropriate signals wasn’t working.

I do remember using special underwear that had an electronic device. I believe there was a little pocket in the underwear for a sensor. That was connected by wire to an alarm that attached to my shirt. The sensor would detect that slightest hint of moisture and the alarm would sound to indicate the need to use the bathroom. (Here is one website resource.)

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