There has been some talk lately on social media about reaching out to your strong friends because sometimes it’s the ones who seem the strongest who are struggling with things that aren’t spoken. The surprising, high-profile examples of suicide recently have meant a bit more awareness. People who, on the surface, seem happy and comfortable and full of life, but internally are struggling with deep wounds and insecurities that don’t get expressed easily.
I came across a video on Facebook from Mental Health on The Mighty that showed phrases kids said that were code words for “I’m anxious.” These are various ways that kids expressed anxiety and fear using the resources they had at their disposal. I can relate to many of them.
What was said: What’s wrong with me?
What was meant: My parents just thought I was being dramatic when I would burst into tears crying, “What’s wrong with me?”
What was said: I have a headache.
What was meant: It was easier to explain that something physical was going on as opposed to something that was invisible.
What was said: I’m sorry.
What was meant: I constantly apologized for things that weren’t really an issue.
What was said: Can’t we stay home?
What was meant: I hated going out places because the noise bothered me.
What was said: You do it.
What was meant: I had such a hard time placing an order for food, I would tell whoever I was with what I wanted and have them place the order.
What was said: Don’t leave me.
What was meant: I was very anxious about being abandoned. I believed people would leave me if I wasn’t good enough, and it would be my fault.
What was said: Can you turn on the hallway light for me at night?
What was meant: I lived in fear for a few years that someone was going to come into my room and kidnap me. The light didn’t help.
What was said: My body is uncomfortable.
What was meant: I used to say ‘My body is uncomfortable, my body is uncomfortable!’ I didn’t know what it was at the time.
These phrases speak of a problem without vocalizing what’s happening internally. We think people won’t understand. Or they’ll think we’re making it up or we’re exaggerating.
When watching the video, the phrase that just killed me was “you do it.” I can remember getting so frustrated with myself. I had an idea of what needed to be done, but my body wouldn’t cooperate. Or perhaps I couldn’t follow the instructions and was struggling to make sense of what needed to be done. In my defeat, I’d pass it on to someone else, essentially telling myself “you can’t do this” or “you’re not good enough.” Perhaps I just needed more encouragement to keep going or to take a break and resume the task at another time. Instead I learned to reinforce my mounting frustration with a sense of failure.
Another phrase that stuck out was “I’m sorry.” I do remember apologizing for things that weren’t actual problems, but I just didn’t know what else to say. Maybe I said I didn’t want to do something (an activity that would make me uncomfortable) and I expressed that desire with a simple no, but there would be guilt involved in that. There would be a need to apologize for going against expectations. Somehow even standing up for myself could be accompanied with guilt and like I’d done something wrong.
I don’t think I claimed headache often, but I would say similar things. It offered an easy way out: identifying some physical thing that wasn’t currently a problem but would be easier for others to relate to. It was safer and the words were more readily available to describe a physical issue than to try to explain what was actually happening internally. As a kid, I didn’t have the tools to express myself effectively. As an adult, I still see glimpses of this: looking for something on the surface that’s a tangible explanation rather than trying to dive deeper and open up about what’s happening inside.
As a society, we have to be better about expressing feelings and emotions without fear of how it will be received. But first we need to choose friends and build a relationship that allows for that openness. The only way we’re going to be able to open up is if we feel the other person is trustworthy and will handle our feelings with care.
So let’s be people who care. People who listen. People who want to receive more than just “fine” in response to the typical “how are you doing?” Listen for the tone of voice that often betrays more than what is shared. Look into the eyes. See the burdens that are being carried. There’s proof all around us. We just have to be willing to look, to see, and to be available.
The Sensitive Giraffe 